I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
my phone needs a breathalizer
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
