he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
