What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
