i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
