You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
