the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
