she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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