Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
