I puked a lego.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
