he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
