How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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