I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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