i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
