You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
