Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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