I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
