You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
