Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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