break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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