she sounds like chewbacca in bed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
