he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
