i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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