I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
