Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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