What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
