Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
