Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I need to calm my uterus...
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
