Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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