You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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