There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
