Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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