my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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