You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
