Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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