You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
