how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
