dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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