I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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