i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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