My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
