My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
