a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
