Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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