remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Everything about him screamed your future.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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