I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize