I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
