Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
