he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
