and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
