I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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