the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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