We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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