I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
