Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
