i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
