Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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