It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
