Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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