Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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