crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
