I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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