We won't sleep together?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
