my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Who did Billy Mays play for?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
