I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
